How to Combat Default Parent Burnout
Let’s have an honest conversation, my friend. Being the “default parent” can feel overwhelming, especially when your spouse works long hours or night shifts. I’ve been there, trying to juggle everything while feeling like I need to hold it all together for the kids. Burnout is real, and it’s okay to acknowledge that you’re experiencing it. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way and some strategies that have helped me cope when the weight feels too heavy.
*Recognize the Signs of Burnout*
I used to think I just needed more coffee or a better to-do list. But when I started feeling irritable, constantly tired, and like I had no patience left, I realized I was on the brink of burnout. Pay attention to those warning signs—it’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, I need help!”
*Accept That You Can’t Do It All and Set Realistic Expectations*
This was a tough lesson for me. I wanted to be the Pinterest-perfect mom, but honestly? Some days, my kids watch extra TV, and dinner is cereal. That’s perfectly okay. Give yourself permission to lower the bar when you need to.
*Build in Little Breaks*
When you’re solo parenting most of the time, finding a moment for yourself can feel impossible. But even a 5-minute breather can make a difference. I sometimes lock myself in the bathroom (a classic mom move) to take a few deep breaths or step outside for some fresh air while the kids are occupied. When it gets really bad, I might sneak a piece of chocolate into my walk-in closet and indulge in a little peace and quiet.
*Actively Seek Support from Friends and Family*
This took me a while to feel comfortable doing. Whether it’s calling a friend to vent, asking family to watch the kids for an hour, or even hiring a sitter, it’s okay to lean on your support network. If you don’t have one, there are local parenting groups or online communities that can be a lifeline. I highly recommend using the Peanut app. It’s like Tinder but for moms; you can set your kids' ages, your location, and your interests, and it will suggest other women you might connect with. I’ve met some wonderful mom friends through it who reassure me that I’m not a terrible parent just because I don’t have it all together.
*Find Something That’s Just for You*
When you’re the default parent, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs. Find a hobby or activity that’s just for you, whether it’s gardening, journaling, blogging (wink, wink), or binge-watching a show after the kids go to bed. For me, it’s my garden—a little escape where I can focus on something that grows quietly without asking for snacks.
*Reframe Your Mindset*
Some days, I remind myself that my kids won’t always need me like this. It’s not about toxic positivity—there are days when I feel drained and overwhelmed—but reframing my thoughts can help me push through. I tell myself, “This is hard, but I’m doing it,” instead of “I can’t handle this anymore.”
*Plan for Connection, Even with a Shift Work Schedule*
When my husband is working long hours or night shifts, we prioritize open communication. A quick text check-in, a shared calendar to leave notes, or even a simple “I love you” message before he goes to bed can make a big difference. I’ve always appreciated love letters; my dad used to write me little notes on the back of his work sheets when I was a girl, leaving them for me to find before school. I still feel that special connection when my husband leaves me letters. It really helps to feel like you’re in this together.
*Celebrate the Small Wins*
Some days, just getting everyone fed, dressed, and alive feels like climbing Everest. Celebrate those wins! Did you finally fold the laundry? Amazing. Did your toddler eat a vegetable today? Victory! Focusing on what you accomplished helps lighten the mental load.
*Prioritize Rest When You Can*
I know this is easier said than done, but I’ve learned to take rest wherever I can find it. When the kids nap, I’ll grab a quick 10-minute (or sometimes an hour) rest. Letting the dishes sit for a while won’t hurt anyone.
*Remind Yourself That You’re Enough*
Being the default parent is tough, but you’re doing an amazing job. On hard days, I remind myself: I’m showing up, my kids are loved, and that’s what really matters.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re feeling burnt out, know that it doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human. Let’s talk about it in the comments, share tips, or just support each other. We’ve got this!
