Shattered Expectations and Renewed Hope: My Breastfeeding Story

Breastfeeding isn't the most natural thing in the world.

Breastfeeding doesn't come naturally to everyone. When I was about 6 months along with my first pregnancy, I started producing colostrum and leaking through my shirts. This was a complete surprise as nobody had told me this was possible. Because I was making colostrum already, I thought for sure I'd be a breastfeeding queen. After all, God blessed me with these excessive mounds that give me constant back pain and make bra shopping a traumatic experience so surely they must be worth it when it comes to breastfeeding, right? Wrong.

I had my baby in June of '20 and fully expected that when my milk came in, breastfeeding would come so naturally just as it had for all my friends. During the golden hour I attempted to latch my newborn and to my surprise, he took right to it! After that, it was all a struggle. He was visibly (and very audibly) frustrated at the lack of milk he was getting from me. But no problem, supplementing with formula would work. I'll request a visit with the lactation consultant and once my milk comes in, it'll be smooth sailing. Or so I thought.

Days turned to weeks and my milk was still not in. I tried the cookies, the vitamins, the drinks, and drinking so much water but as the days ticked by, I was feeling more and more defeated. I finally had to swallow my pride and admit that it wasn't going to happen for us.

A shot at redemption.

My second baby came along and again, I started producing colostrum very early. I didn't think much of it because of my prior experience but I was determined to at least give nursing another try. I wanted this so badly. To my surprise, my milk actually came in and it came in powerfully. Every let down I had during a nursing session ultimately choked my baby and basically water boarded him because he'd unlatch while coughing. I resorted to pumping instead and at four months old, my baby essentially out grew me. He was drinking 8 oz of milk at a time and I was producing about 2 oz. at most. When my supply had regulated, it seemed as though it dried up over night. No problem, I thought, I had given my oldest formula and he's a thriving and healthy baby boy.

Finally.

I had my third and last baby ten months ago. Following suit, I started producing colostrum early in my pregnancy. I prayed this would be a time I was successful in breastfeeding. It's my last baby, please let this work. My daughter latched so naturally the first time. Then the second. Then the third. My milk came in with a vengeance and I leaked nonstop every day all day (Thank you, Jesus, for milk catchers. Here are the amazing ones I used ---> click here ). I was determined to do what I needed to do to exclusively breastfeed. I pumped to help empty my breasts since my tiny preemie baby was eating such small amounts. Soon my freezer was full of milk and I was continuing to nurse. Our daughter is approaching her first birthday soon and our breastfeeding relationship is still strong! My past experiences with nursing changed with each baby I had.

I hope to share my story to encourage anyone who may be disappointed over not being able to breastfeed. I understand how you feel and I see you. Back then I beat myself up for months over not being able to give my oldest baby any milk and ya know what? It all turned out okay. He has a healthy attachment to me, a great immune system, and is so smart. He didn't have any deficits from being a formula baby. All the things we as moms are told will happen if our babies don't receive breastmilk, didn't happen. I know babies who were breastfed for the first year and are sick far more often than my formula babies.

My point is, if breastfeeding is your dream, don't give up on it if you aren't successful the first time around. Breastfeeding doesn't come naturally to all of us and that's okay.